technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
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Don’t talk down to me
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
What an awful time to have common sense.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂