The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
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You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
live, laugh, laundry.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
The news is so predictable nowadays
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Covid like
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”