cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
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if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.