imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
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Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account