i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
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Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
okay run it by me one more time
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.