Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
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Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange