Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
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“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Well well well…
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.