“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
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A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine