Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
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I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it