ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
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Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!