My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
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Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.