*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
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ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”