Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
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My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
This trial is so absurd 😭
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions: