Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
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*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
house sitting!
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out