i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
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PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries