it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
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What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
ugh not again
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]