I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
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One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.