You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
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My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it