I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
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me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
my sentiments exactly
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer