[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
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There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
This did not end as expected.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp