DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
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A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
O Wise One….
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.