*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
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this is literally a CIA plant
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
LOL!
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again