Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
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Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair