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When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?