Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
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I only say stupid things when I talk.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.