date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
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I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids