Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
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I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes