obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
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ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again