Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
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Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*