The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
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“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.