“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
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Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I’m good, thanks.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.