Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
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A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.