What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
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Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
They got a point!
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
ok like just. call me at this point
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.