Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
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[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Breaking news:
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.