Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
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Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
what’s really going on