Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
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Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.