Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
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“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!