This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
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Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
God, I love Scotland
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
PLOT TWIST:
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now