This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
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Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
accurate
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.