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Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.