being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
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When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…