*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
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Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……