9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
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Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Breaking news:
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.