*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
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Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult