me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.