Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.