Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
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Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.