I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
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My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”