[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
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[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.