I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
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My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Every photo I’m tagged in
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.